One of the things I really miss in my life is singing. I mean, I still sing to the little one every night at bedtime, but I miss singing so other people can hear. And I don't know what to do about it.
I've taken voice lessons on and off all my life. For a while there, I thought my voice was just okay, nothing special, that I had more will than talent. I desperately wanted to become a proficient singer, and so I did. I learned to read on sight, I learned to sing a tight harmony, I learned to breathe and project and support. But looking back now, I was nothing more than proficient. My singing was soulless, and in some ways it's because I believed other people when they told me I was an adequate singer. Adequate was not what I aspired to be.
Once, in college, I auditioned for something and the director called me. He said "I want to cast you because you have the most amazing voice I have ever heard." He then went on to tell me that he couldn't, because I didn't dance nearly well enough. And that tipped my world on its head. I'd always been a dancer who could sing. Suddenly, i was a singer who couldn't dance! But my faith in my voice grew.
When I moved to LA, I found myself in a life surrounded by music and musicians. And I sang all the time. Whether it was being called up on stage to sing a set of duets with Joey, going into the studio to record demos, or just hanging out in the living room jamming and making up (often vulgar) lyrics, I was a singer, even if I had a day job. I learned about my voice... how to play it, how to work it, how to make it say all kinds of things. And I grew into it too.
I continued this in Atlanta, driving up the road on weekends to visit friends in Nashville, singing in dinky bars, recording demos at 3 in the morning when the studio time was cheap. And then I went to Miami and then to law school, and somehow I never had time to sing.
Lately, I've noticed that I sing in a different place now. I'm not singing in my chest, but somewhere in my head, though it's low enough I suspect I could belt from there if I had to. It's a pretty tone, it feels good, it's easy to move around in my range there. People notice my voice still. The other day, in a car, my friend turned to me and said "You have a really pretty voice." Sometimes if I am just singing to myself, people will ask me to do it again.
I have a guitar I've been meaning to learn how to play. I wonder if learning would be enough to make me feel like I've got a good reason to sing. I wonder if that would help me stop missing whatever it is I am missing.
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