Late Fragment.

Our Kingdom of Days.

Inspector takes issue with the fact that I proclaimed that I don't have anything new and interesting.

And I guess I see his point.

I have one very sparkly new and interesting ring on my left hand.  And I have one new and interesting husband who sleeps next to me at night.

The thing is, and Inspector agrees with me, the big change in our relationship happened almost a year ago when he moved to live with me.  I submit to you all that we did not just get married, but rather that we've spent the past year becoming married, and that all the ceremony and the license did was make something legal and official that'd become reality to us over the past 12-ish months.

There's a huge difference between loving someone and being able to live with them.  Inspector and I both lived alone for a long time prior to his moving down, and I don't know that I've ever lived particularly well with anyone.

But we live together just fine.  And that's a nice thing.  It would have been catastrophic if we didn't.

I miss him when he is away, as he is this week for work, and not just because he is usually the one who feeds the dogs. 

So, yeah, we got married, which was lovely.  And we went on a honeymoon which was likewise lovely.  And it didn't change a thing, which may be the loveliest thing of all.

I'd Drive All Night.

This morning, Inspector loaded two dogs and a couple of suitcases into a rented minivan and hit the southbound highway.

He should be here sometime Saturday.  For good.

I am dumbstruck.

To When God And Her Were Born.

Inspector has decided to take a job with his current employer, whereby he will telecommute most of the time from my house.

It has taken him a really long time to decide on this course.

I am glad that he has made a decision.

But not as glad as I will be when I finally get to lie down beside him to go to bed for the first night of the rest of our lives.

Struggling to Do Everything Right.

A)  Inspector wants me.

B)  Inspector wants to continue to work where he works.

C)  Inspector wants to continue to live in the house he lives in.

And all of this is making him unhappy.  Which in turn is making me unhappy.

We should be anticipating.  We should be making plans.  We should be giddy with the excitement of moving forward with our life together.

And yet, it feels like we're mourning. 

I wonder if I shouldn't leave him, so at least he can have 2 out of the 3 things he wants.   I wonder if it's selfish of me to want to be with him, in the physical sense of the word.  I wonder if this is ever going to be okay.

Gypsy Biker Is Comin' Home.

My uncle died yesterday.

That's not quite right, sadly.  My uncle killed himself yesterday.  Or maybe sometime the night before.

He left a note. 

But not his will, or the key to his safe-deposit box, or any funeral arrangements.

My mother, despite how he treated everyone who loved her, loved him.  Loves him still. 

It's a weird day here.  He was not beloved.  I do not mourn his loss.  My daughter never even met him, and he lived less than 50 miles from here.  I cannot tell you one story about him that makes me smile.  I do not have warm memories.  There will be no eulogy.  There is nothing nice to say.

But I am sad.

For my mother, who has to bury her brother.  For my cousin, who has to bury his dad.  For my father, who found the body.

And for my uncle, who was so lonely that this was the best choice he could see. 

My Love Will Not Let You Down.

Inspector came to town last week, to attend a job fair held by his preferred employer in the area.

He arrived at the hotel at 12:05.  He left at 2:30.  With an offer letter tucked under his arm. 

It's a good offer... for more money than he is making now.  There are issues to be resolved and negotiated (vacation, start date, etc) but I am 99% certain Inspector is going to accept this job.  There is a part of me that won't believe it until the U-Haul is backing into the driveway, but mostly, yeah, I think he's taking this one.

Which is a very, very good thing.

Kind and Generous.

I have such wonderful imaginary friends.

Thank you, C, for being one of the kindest people I've never met.

I adore you, you know.

I Feel Like I'm A Rider on A Downbound Train.

Many things are bothering me, and I feel a little like my life is careening out of control.  It seems that there are a number of things I want, and yet, I don't feel like I have any control whatsoever of the path that takes me to them.  And that wears on me, and makes it hard, frankly, to put one foot in front of the other, when I don't quite trust that this path is going to get me where I want to be.

At work, for example... I've taken on a huge burden in this job, and I feel like I am pretty good at it, and relatively successful.  I know that the company does not want to lose me.  When I was hired, I was asked how much I wanted to make, and I gave a range of what I thought the job was worth.  When I was offered the job, I was offered at the bottom of the range, with assurances that my salary would be increased "25 to 50k" at six months.  When I'd been here 7 months, I approached my boss about this, who told me to finish a major project I'd been working on, a complete revamp of my department, because my increase would be tied to that.  Well, now I've been here 8 months and there's been no new discussion about it.  I know I have to raise the issue again, but I (like many others) hate talking about money.  Nonetheless, I am disappointed in my boss for not coming through on his promise.  I am frustrated because I know what others in my department make, and though I am paid more than all of them, I do not think I am justly compensated for the burden I bear in running this department.  I don't want to leave... I like my job.  But I want the company to do what it promised me.

As I am sure you all figured, Inspector did not take the job.  And I am crushed by this.  All along, when someone asked me when he was moving down, I'd say "Whenever he finds a job."  Turns out that's not right.  It's whenever he finds the "perfect job".  I feel a lot of things about this whole thing... none of them good.  He still says he's moving.  But his actions don't exactly comport with that.   When will I see him again?  Best I can tell, it'll be July, when my brother gets married.

And then, on top of that, I have to deal with my mother saying to me "if there even is a wedding" when I mentioned to her the other day that I could see good reasons for having the wedding here in Florida.  Gah.  Thanks mom.  That didn't hurt at all.  My mom is also giving me a lot of grief about my weight right now, so yeah, that's fun.  Way to prey on my insecurities, Mom!

I've got a lot of social commitments on the back end of this week.  A graduation party.  Dinner with the family.  Mother's Day.  I'm hoping being so busy will alleviate this funk I seem to be in.  If not, I can spend the weekend in bed with the blankets up over my head.

The Poets Down Here Don't Write Nothing At All.

I am fucking lost.

Hey Jealousy.

I am irrationally, unreasonably jealous.  I am well aware of it, and I know it's my problem.

When we were kids, Inspector used to say that guilt was a useless emotion, but he was wrong.  It's jealousy that's the truly useless emotion.

But when Inspector talks about his ex-wife, when he mentions something they did together, when he uses the word "we" as in "we planted asparagus in the asparagus bed every Spring", I can't explain why but it makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up and it makes me want to say horrible, stupid things.  And it's not just her... if he mentions his first girlfriend, the one he called "Mouse" or the one after that, or really any of the others, same thing.  Hair on the back of the neck.  Desire to say nasty things. 

Which is dumb, I know.  And irrational.  And unreasonable. 

Here's the kicker.  I am not at all worried that he would ever, ever leave me for any of them.

(That's not entirely true.  I am still not 100% sure that he wouldn't leave me if the ex-wife would have him back.  But I am mostly 99.9% sure she won't.  So I guess we're okay.)

But mostly, when I am not being crazy and dumb and irrational and unreasonable, I know I have no reason to be jealous.  I am well and truly loved.  I feel safe with him.  I trust him.

And yet, every now and then, I find myself with the hair on the back of my neck standing up, trying not to say anything really mean or really horrible.