Late Fragment.

Helplessly hoping.

I got laid off today.

I know in a week, I will feel differently about all of this, but right now, I just feel something between pissed and sad.

We Had Joy, We Had Fun.

I'm Pulling Out of Here to Win.

It seems that 2008 has been roundly panned, in the press, on the blogs, on some chat boards, and around my office.  And with good reason too.

It's been a suck-ass year.  Suck-ass things have happened.  The economy went to hell (or maybe just further to hell).  Work got un-fun.  I was set aside by what I thought was my closest friend. n My car got totalled, and it hurt.  I struggled with feeling jealous and petty and spiteful.  I fought with my mother.

Good things have happened too, make no mistake.  Inspector lives with me now, and that is a very very good thing.  I got (finally) a fat raise.  I have very good friends who make me laugh and do outrageous and fun things with me.   My daughter, though a challenge, is the absolute joy of my life.  My friend, G, who wasn't with us for a while is slowly but surely making her way back to us   I am blessed beyond measure.  And I am smart enough to know it. 

Still, I am looking forward to 2009.  And ready to stick my tongue out to this year as we leave it in our wake. 

You're a Mean One, Mr. Grinch.

It always hits me like a ton of bricks, this holiday season.  One minute, it's just a normal day and then boom!  It's Christmas.  And if it's Christmas, that means it's almost one more year since Jen has been gone.

Seven years. 

She has been gone seven years.

My niece was an infant when she died.  I remember my sister-in-law thrusting her, 3 months old, into my arms as I sat, shell-shocked. 

Pixie was still with us.  I remember her climbing up onto the bed with me, licking my tears off my cheeks.

I was married to Larry.  He was a trouper that week, managing flights and rental cars and trying to understand how he could help me. 

I remember the morning of the funeral, her husband looking at me and saying "I don't know what to do now.  For the past week, I've been trying to get to here.  What do I do now?"  And I remember thinking that I had no earthly idea.

I still don't. 

What do we do now? 

My life has changed so much since then.  I've had a child, gotten divorced, stopped working and then started again, gotten engaged (again!), and mostly just kind of gotten on with the business of my life.

You know what I haven't done?  I haven't forgotten.  Not one bit.  I still hear her laugh, and smell her perfume.  I still can picture her crooked smile, her twinkling eyes, her fesity-ness.  I remember how tough she was and how good she was and how brave she was and how smart she was.  I remember how much I loved her and respected her.  I remember how much it meant to me to be her best friend, and how easy it was that she was mine.

I miss her. 

And I'd give almost anything to have had more time with her.

I wasn't ready to say good-bye.  I'm still not.

Hiding Out in Treetops.

Dear person in South Lake Tahoe,

You are kind of freaking me out.  Could you email me at the addy on this page and let me know if I know you?

Thanks.

Bn'B

Where the Kids Are Alright.

Last week, near where I live, a 15-year-old girl shot a classmate to death, apparently after being spurned romantically by her.  She told police "I wanted her to feel pain like I did."

This weekend, a senior at my daughter's school was stabbed during a fight with a classmate.  He died as a result of his injuries.

When I was a kid, the most dangerous thing that could happen at the hands of your classmates was that you'd be embarrassed, and lose face and social standing.

It would have never occurred to me to use deadly force to settle my scores - not when I was a teenager and not now. 

I do not know what is wrong with the world.  I only know that I am scared to death about letting my kid grow up in it.

You May Be Right.

The Ten Cannots.

You cannot bring about prosperity by discouraging thrift.
You cannot help small men by tearing down big men.
You cannot strengthen the weak by weakening the strong.
You cannot lift the wage earner by pulling down the wage payer.
You cannot help the poor man by destroying the rich.
You cannot keep out of trouble by spending more than your income.
You cannot further the brotherhood of man by inciting class hatred.
You cannot establish security on borrowed money.
You cannot build character and courage by taking away men's initiative and independence.
You cannot help men permanently by doing for them what they could and should do for themselves.

-- Rev. William John Henry Boetcker, 1873

I Can't Explain.

Truth is that I don't much care about the outcome of the election.  As I've said, I wasn't going to feel good about it, no matter who won.  I'm glad it's over and I look forward to moving on.  I am not surprised.

But can someone please explain this to me... my state gave all of its electoral votes to Obama, and still voted to change the state constitution so that a marriage is a union only between a man and a woman.  By a LANDSLIDE. 

How is this possible?  How?

I do not understand this world I live in.  Not at all.

I Went to See My Congressman.

I know I've been totally lame lately.  I don't know.  Life just kind of rolls on by. 

But today, I want to talk about something.

I remember being a kid, going with my mom and standing outside the voting booth while she cast her vote.  I think she's the one who first gave me the idea that your vote was secret, and that you didn't have to share whatever choice you made with anyone else. 

I remember being with my dad and asking him what "impeached" meant, when that word was bandied around in the Nixon days.

I remember being handed my first voter's registration card, by Inspector's father, with the R already stamped on it.

I remember campaigning in 1988, going door to door and driving little old ladies to their polling places. 

I remember the casting a vote for Bill Clinton way back in 1992 in someone's garage in Manhattan Beach, California and being so full of hope and promise... and I remember casting a vote against that same man four years later.

This weekend, I stood in line for over three hours to vote.  But this time was unlike any time before.  I honestly had no idea who I was going to vote for until the moment I had the ballot in my hand.  One of my paralegals opined yesterday that anyone who was still undecided was "a retard".  Hell, I've already voted and I admit, I am still undecided.  I'm not sure if that makes me a retard, or a realist, or what.  But I am worried that neither of our choices is qualified to lead us through what lies ahead.

You know what though?  I still voted.  It's important.  We, as citizens, have an obligation to participate.  And I am proud that I did, especially in an election that I feel so ambivalent about. 

And you should too.  We get the government we deserve.  Let's try to be worthy of better four years from now.

Was Our Castle and Our Keep.

Last Friday, in a few minutes at work where I had nothing to do and didn't really feel like getting into anything new, I started to poke around at realtor.com.  I found a house that interested me, mostly because it was extremely well priced. 

We went and looked at it.  And it's pretty.  Although the more I think about it, it's not EXACTLY the right house.  Why?  The upstairs is crowded and chunky, and would have been better if they'd left the loft, rather than creating a 5th bedroom.  And it's not on a canal/lake/water.  And it only has a 2-car garage.  And it would be a project, requiring blinds and appliances and a fence.  So, yes, I am pretty sure it's not the house.

But it got me (and by extension, Inspector) thinking about houses.

So, now the question seems to be, should we put my house on the market, if only to see what happens? 

My house is on the small side, probably a first-time buyer kind of house.  And that market may still have buyers in it, folks who don't need to sell their current house to get into a new one, folks who have been saving their pennies waiting for the bottom of the market, which may be more-or-less now. 

I have no doubt, were we to sell my house, that we'd be able to find a house in no time at all, and at a pretty good value.

It sort of seems like a hassle though... cleaning up and letting people see the house. 

I love my house.  I do not know what to do.